I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
