Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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