She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
