i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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