Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ketchup is God's man juice
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
