dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
