I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
