I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
