no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
