sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
