Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
