After last night, I could never be a politician.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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