Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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