Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize