Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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