If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
