I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
