Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
