I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
