just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
