White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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