it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
