Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
