she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
