Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
