Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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