a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
