i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
