girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
