He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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