mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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