I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
