Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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