I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
