Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
