he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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