I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
