I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
