I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
did i walk over a car last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize