We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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