She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
