i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
