The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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