we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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