Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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