Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Enjoy the penises
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
