Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
wanna go halves on a baby?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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