I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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