Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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