My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
