My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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