I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize