Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
