OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
