The best revenge is premature balding
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
