my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
