The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
