I am spending my child support on dildos
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
