No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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