I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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