He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
