just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
