Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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