Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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