do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
not ubering you a puppy
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
